| Marriage and Family Therapists of New York |
Welcome Back! Summer is sadly just about over. Now we
can look forward to pumpkins, goblins and glorious fall
color. MFTNY has planned many exciting therapeutic and
educational events for you to participate in and read
about. If you would like to be notified of our upcoming
events and groups, please e mail jatwood@optonline.net
or fill in the subscribe box to the right.
can look forward to pumpkins, goblins and glorious fall
color. MFTNY has planned many exciting therapeutic and
educational events for you to participate in and read
about. If you would like to be notified of our upcoming
events and groups, please e mail jatwood@optonline.net
or fill in the subscribe box to the right.
Little Nicholas, age 4, rushed downstairs to get ready to
leave for preschool. He gobbled up his breakfast,
grabbed his jacket and ran into the car. They were late
again and his Mom was not happy. In the car driving to
school, his Mom was telling him that he should be ready
to leave preschool when she picked him up at exactly 4
PM because he had a piano lesson at 4:30 PM and they
would just make it on time. After piano, they had to run to
the store for groceries, pick up his sister from the sitter’s,
and rush home to make dinner before Dad got home.
Nicholas wished he could just watch his cartoons.
Victoria, age 6, was picked up by her Mom from after-
school-care and rushed to her friend, Emily, for a play-
date. After her play-date, Victoria had to go for swimming
lessons at the Y. After swimming, Victoria and her Mom
would rush home, quickly make and eat dinner and get
ready for the tutor. The tutor was coming to help Victoria
with reading because her Mom felt she wasn’t reading
quickly enough.
This type of minute by minute, hour by hour scheduling is
now common practice with our children. They run from
school to play-dates to soccer practice to music lessons
to the library, only to be swept away once again to pick up
a sister or brother. They operate on “full steam ahead” for
most, if not all, of the day. All this under the guise of
providing a variety of stimulation for our children—
exposing them to culture, music and many different
activities. This is supposed to increase IQ scores,
influence their social and emotional intelligence and help
them to become balanced individuals in all ways.
What are the longer term effects of this behavior?
One longer term effect is that in fact IQ scores probably
increase, childrens' social and emotional intelligence are
probably fine tuned and in some ways, they probably are
more balanced individuals.
However….
Anxiety is also one possible long term effect. Children get
used to and comfortable with operating at high speed.
When it is time to rest and relax, they feel like something
is missing. They feel uncomfortable. They get agitated,
irritable and restless when there’s nothing planned for
them. The outcome: More and more children are in
therapy because of stress and anxiety. Some children in
fact are even given medication to reduce their anxiety
levels!
Another effect is that they are not afforded opportunities
to learn coping skills. They don’t have time to explore
their environment, to think about it, to experience its
challenges. So if a stumbling block is put before them,
they don’t know how to handle it. Often they give up trying
to find solutions without even trying. They expect their
parents to fix everything, to take care of everything.
Related to this is the feeling of entitlement that probably
reaches its peak in adolescence. “All the other kids have
a cell phone.” “Everyone in senior class is getting a car
when they graduate.” “Why can’t I go to Europe the
summer after I graduate? Jill’s parents are letting her go.”
They expect to be taken care of. They have few coping
skills to achieve what they want. They were exposed to a
level of lifestyle that will be very difficult if not impossible
for them to acquire themselves.
Another effect is drug use. Drug use is increasing with
many teens self-medicating to reduce anxiety, to increase
their self-esteem levels, to help them feel happier or not
as depressed, to energize them to meet the day.
Some additional effects are that unemployment rates are
high among young adults because they often do not want
to work to achieve the material things that were always
given to them by parents. Eating disorders are higher
than ever before. More and more young people are
entering therapy with anxiety and depression symptoms
or with a general malaise—they just don’t want to do
anything. There is no joy in living for them—no excitement
about life. They don’t have anything to look forward to.
Because they were given “things” all along, they do not
know how to delay their gratification. They don’t know
what they want but they want it now.
What can a Parent Do?
Parents’ motivations in raising their children are generally
positive. They want the best for their children. They want
their children to feel part of the group and be contributing
members of society. They want to expose their children to
culture and social situations. But parents are also part of
the larger society. And the larger society dictates the
norms—the rules and regulations (both written and
unwritten) that provide for social order. So if a good
parent is defined by society as exposing children to
music, to dance, to prep courses, to theatre, etc...well
then, that is what the “good parent” will do.
Some Suggestions:
leave for preschool. He gobbled up his breakfast,
grabbed his jacket and ran into the car. They were late
again and his Mom was not happy. In the car driving to
school, his Mom was telling him that he should be ready
to leave preschool when she picked him up at exactly 4
PM because he had a piano lesson at 4:30 PM and they
would just make it on time. After piano, they had to run to
the store for groceries, pick up his sister from the sitter’s,
and rush home to make dinner before Dad got home.
Nicholas wished he could just watch his cartoons.
Victoria, age 6, was picked up by her Mom from after-
school-care and rushed to her friend, Emily, for a play-
date. After her play-date, Victoria had to go for swimming
lessons at the Y. After swimming, Victoria and her Mom
would rush home, quickly make and eat dinner and get
ready for the tutor. The tutor was coming to help Victoria
with reading because her Mom felt she wasn’t reading
quickly enough.
This type of minute by minute, hour by hour scheduling is
now common practice with our children. They run from
school to play-dates to soccer practice to music lessons
to the library, only to be swept away once again to pick up
a sister or brother. They operate on “full steam ahead” for
most, if not all, of the day. All this under the guise of
providing a variety of stimulation for our children—
exposing them to culture, music and many different
activities. This is supposed to increase IQ scores,
influence their social and emotional intelligence and help
them to become balanced individuals in all ways.
What are the longer term effects of this behavior?
One longer term effect is that in fact IQ scores probably
increase, childrens' social and emotional intelligence are
probably fine tuned and in some ways, they probably are
more balanced individuals.
However….
Anxiety is also one possible long term effect. Children get
used to and comfortable with operating at high speed.
When it is time to rest and relax, they feel like something
is missing. They feel uncomfortable. They get agitated,
irritable and restless when there’s nothing planned for
them. The outcome: More and more children are in
therapy because of stress and anxiety. Some children in
fact are even given medication to reduce their anxiety
levels!
Another effect is that they are not afforded opportunities
to learn coping skills. They don’t have time to explore
their environment, to think about it, to experience its
challenges. So if a stumbling block is put before them,
they don’t know how to handle it. Often they give up trying
to find solutions without even trying. They expect their
parents to fix everything, to take care of everything.
Related to this is the feeling of entitlement that probably
reaches its peak in adolescence. “All the other kids have
a cell phone.” “Everyone in senior class is getting a car
when they graduate.” “Why can’t I go to Europe the
summer after I graduate? Jill’s parents are letting her go.”
They expect to be taken care of. They have few coping
skills to achieve what they want. They were exposed to a
level of lifestyle that will be very difficult if not impossible
for them to acquire themselves.
Another effect is drug use. Drug use is increasing with
many teens self-medicating to reduce anxiety, to increase
their self-esteem levels, to help them feel happier or not
as depressed, to energize them to meet the day.
Some additional effects are that unemployment rates are
high among young adults because they often do not want
to work to achieve the material things that were always
given to them by parents. Eating disorders are higher
than ever before. More and more young people are
entering therapy with anxiety and depression symptoms
or with a general malaise—they just don’t want to do
anything. There is no joy in living for them—no excitement
about life. They don’t have anything to look forward to.
Because they were given “things” all along, they do not
know how to delay their gratification. They don’t know
what they want but they want it now.
What can a Parent Do?
Parents’ motivations in raising their children are generally
positive. They want the best for their children. They want
their children to feel part of the group and be contributing
members of society. They want to expose their children to
culture and social situations. But parents are also part of
the larger society. And the larger society dictates the
norms—the rules and regulations (both written and
unwritten) that provide for social order. So if a good
parent is defined by society as exposing children to
music, to dance, to prep courses, to theatre, etc...well
then, that is what the “good parent” will do.
Some Suggestions:
 | Make sure your younger children have rest | |
| times regularly during the day. Try not to have every minute of their day scheduled. Read them a book. Look through a magazine with them. Let them watch a movie. Let them be quiet. Let them get used to relaxing. |
| Don’t give them allowances simply because they | |
| exist. Make their allowances contingent on chores getting done—taking out the garbage, loading the dishwasher, getting all homework done right after school, making their bed, bringing their wash downstairs, etc. Help them to realize that they have to work to achieve things. |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
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| Group II ANGER MANAGEMENT Waiting List Forming Now......BEGINNING |
| What Are We Doing To Our Children? |
62 Storry Hill Rd., Kerhonkson, NY 12446 542 Lakeview Avenue., Rcokville Centre, NY 11570
Site By: Joan D. Atwood © 2007 Marriage and Family Therapy Newsletter
Site By: Joan D. Atwood © 2007 Marriage and Family Therapy Newsletter
To schedule an appointment call 516-764-2526
or E-Mail us at jatwood@optonline.net
or E-Mail us at jatwood@optonline.net
| Coming soon |
Online Certification in Management For Professionals Are you a busy Professional who is interested in learning more about Anger Management? MFT NY offers an Anger Management Training and Certification Program for Mental Health Professionals, School Personnel, and Law Enforcement Persons. This course is appropriate for marriage and family therapists, social workers, mental health counselors, psychologists, teachers, school administrators, as well as law enforcement personnel (probation officers, corrections, and parole persons). |
Couples Getaway Weekend Workshops Do you want to re-romanticize your relationship? We are in the initial stages of developing getaway weekends for couples who want to enhance their relationship. This will involve morning and afternoon sessions in a beautiful and romantic environment. Certificates of Completion are provided at the end of the program. Contact us to keep updated on these new developing services. |
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Getaway
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us now
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Summer, 2007 Newsletter
HOW TO KEEP CALM AND
TALK YOURSELF HAPPY
HOW TO KEEP CALM AND
TALK YOURSELF HAPPY
| RECENT NEWSLETTERS |
Fall, 2007
| Don’t fix what isn’t broken. If tutors are | |
| scheduled to assist the child in reading faster and the child is doing fine in school, s/he will begin to feel like something is wrong with him or her. Some children feel like they are forever getting “fixed.” They have to wear glasses to correct stigmatisms; they wear braces to correct out-of-place teeth; they wear back braces so they stand up straight. When they are a little older, they get their noses fixed so they look better. Some are now going for liposuction to make them look slimmer or to remove imperfections. They go for all sorts of tests if they are not speaking properly and then when nothing is found, they go for speech therapy….just to be sure. All of these corrections (even if necessary) help them to feel that something is wrong with them. Something is broken and it needs to be fixed. Try to be reasonable about what is being fixed. |
| Teach them to help you. Ask them to get you | |
| things. Expect them to assist you with house projects. Teach them to paint, to clean, to attend to you when you are sick, to pick groceries up from the store, to bring the clothes to the cleaners, etc. These behaviors help them to focus on others—to get outside themselves. The helping behaviors could begin when the children are young. Children like to help; it helps them to feel a part of the family. |
| Let them find their own solutions. One of the | |
| most difficult things for a parent is watching their child struggling with a problem, a challenge. Many times the parent jumps right in and helps or solves the problem. Try not to do that. Let the child think about the challenge for a while. Help them to explore different options and solutions but let them struggle for a bit. This is how they learn how to cope with life’s issues. It also teaches them self-confidence. They learn that they will be able to solve issues that confront them and that they will be OK in today’s world. |
For more such discussions, join our Parenting
Group. To reserve a seat, e mail jatwood@optonline.
net or call 516-764-2526.
Continued on Next Column
| What Are we Doing to Our Children ...Con't |